baby / family / myself

Things

I am overwhelmed.

Why did I think it would be a good idea to teach theatre, teach yoga, run a small religious school, and work on writing a play in the months after having a baby? Not to forget my family, the house, and myself. Oh dear.

Up until January 6, 2011 (when Abraham was born), I always kept myself very busy and did well. The busier the better, most of the time. I carefully packed my days with all the things I enjoyed.

I have not only added “Bio-mom” to my list of labels (because I was already a step-mom), but moved it way, way to the top of the list. I love it and wouldn’t trade it, but it is overwhelming. Abraham wants to be held when he is awake, and he wants to be nursing while he is asleep. So much touching. Which is what I wanted, but I didn’t realize how intense it would be.

In the short times that Abraham is not touching me, I am desperately doing things I can’t do with him: showering, laundry, dishes, working, yoga. Yoga comes last.

I am about to turn 30 (which I was thinking was making me an adult for real, but in fact, I think it is really young). I was feeling like I needed to do things I’ve been wanting to do: have a real job again (instead of 4 small ones), join boards, make a big difference. But I think what I am realizing is that I want fewer commitments now. I have time. Hopefully lots of time. I can get a real job when I’m 40 and still get to do it for a long time. I can join boards when I’m 50 and still serve my community for a long time. I can make a big difference when I’m 60 and still be younger than my friend Lane was when she joined the Peace Corps.

What has been my hurry? Why are we all in such a hurry?

I don’t anticipate having more children (sorry, Mom) because 3 is enough. But it means Abraham will be my only baby. Which is ok, babies are hard. But I don’t want to fret about his sleep because I need to do things during his nap time. I want to cuddle up and sniff his little head.

you can come cuddle with him too

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10 thoughts on “Things

  1. Vicki, your priorities are in the right place! Until he starts kindergarten, you have the greatest amount of time to make an impact in his life for the future…..having only one, I’ll say, make the most of it, because you can’t go back. You’ll have so many special experiences and memories! It sounds like you are an amazing mom!

  2. I dunno VHG,

    No doubt you are maxxed out now. But I’ve seen you be maxxed out even before Abraham was born, working five jobs, getting a Master’s degree, being a step mom, writing plays, landing a husband, leading services, teaching Yoga. You’re so ambitious and talented and giving and its so easy for you to say yes and difficult to say no. You have always taken on more and more responsibilities until you push beyond your limits. I see your current stress as perhaps quantitatively different from past stresses, but not qualitatively different.

    • Well, DSG, just because I’ve always done it doesn’t mean it was ever the right thing to do. Or that it still is now.
      I just need to adjust to my new title(s) and new sense of self.

  3. Vickish – I feel like I am reading the diary I don’t keep when I read your blog.
    Also, and actually besides the point but in case it matters at all, someone told me before I was pregnant that at 6 months it’s like a giant fog lifts and like feels a little more “balances” – whatever that means. And even though just when I figure out thing out, something else pops up, it was true – 2 weeks ago all of a sudden I woke up and felt very at peace with everything. If only for that day. 🙂

  4. I’m going to be 34 this year and I still don’t have a “real job”. I have my job with Tar.get, my internship with a local art non-profit, and then trying to get into the swing of being an artist that actually produces work. Add in my hubby and Ruby and general life chores and it gets crazy. I’ve been feeling like can’t focus lately there is so much stuff going on! Either that or I am losing my mind…….

  5. Now Vicki, I think one of the reasons I love you is the way you think. I have to agree 100% about the priority of enjoying every minute of little Abraham. I think Abby is right and I’ll even take it further and say they need/want to be all over you less and less as they get older. I remember feeling completely overwhelmed when Faye was 4 or 5 months old and then missing her cuddles so much by 10 months that I was ready to get preggo again! With Gavin I tried so hard to enjoy those cuddly months, because I knew too well how quickly they end. Before you know it, he’ll be squirming to get out of your arms to go explore the world. You are so right that you will have time for many things in your life. But you are also right that you will never get these cuddly warm sweet baby moments again. You are supposed to be overwhelmed in the beginning – and that is without other obligations. Just try to enjoy it while it lasts 🙂 Lots of hugs and love!
    ~S

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